There was said to be understanding in solitude. In the whispering wind that ruffled hair and clothes of the rich and poor alike. The wind didn’t discriminate. And Loki guessed he should take some lesson from that. Then again, the world always seemed to be trying to teach him a lesson and why should he listen to it? It was never a good lesson. In fact, it was always something that seemed to tell him that what he was doing would send him to Hell. If only he didn’t believe in Heaven and Hell. Life was simpler that way, wasn’t it? But… there was his friend for one. Angel boy… that was proof of some kind. And for a kid that thrived on proof, it wasn’t the type he could just toss out the window and ignore. Sure he could try it for the peace of mind it might give him. Or could have at one point. Not anymore. There was no peace in his mind anymore, not now, probably not ever again.

They didn’t stop when he took the fuckin’ pills the doctor gave him. Why should they stop when they always got what they wanted? It was what he wanted too. Blood. While they wanted the blood of others, he wanted his own. He wanted, needed really, to see that it was normal. And the only way to do that was to let it out, into the open air.

His thoughts, the idle musings of a youth that people had always taken for stupid, were interrupted by a strong gust of wind. “Fuck this.” It had gotten cold when the wind started up. Even as used to city drafts as he was, Loki had never really enjoyed standing out in the cold without his coat. But, like an idiot, he had forgotten to put it on. Why not? He forgot almost everything else these days. And it was only a short distance away, sitting on the passenger’s seat of his car. It would be simple to unlock the car, grab his jacket, and go on with his… “What am I doin’, yeah?” Did it matter, though? For once, Loki was alone.

His mates, the members of Irksome Inspiration, had gone on their way. Going home, going to see girlfriends, or escape old boyfriends, in the case of their front man. And here he was, in this city, alone. He had never thought he’d be alone. It was a new feeling, one he didn’t much like. With a final breath of the cold, frost tainted air, he turned and started back to the car, starting the first leg of a trip that would end on his hotel room floor, stoned out of his mind. If he had anything to say about it.

It had been a long few nights. Driving mostly. It wasn’t that Loki hated riding in the bus. Only that eventually, five guys together in the same place, no real beds, no real toilet, no real… anything really, could fray nerves. The members of Inspiration were like brothers. Hell, Mike and Mikey were brothers. But that made the fights worse. Once, Loki sliced open D’s arm to the bone. Once, D broke Nik’s ankle. Only the damage to D’s arm had pushed back tour dates. They had never cancelled, probably never would. The cut had just been too deep and too long for the guitarist to play right away again.

Where they were going this time, it was all worth it. Maybe not their own date. They probably wouldn’t be with this festival the entire three days. There was a date scheduled for them before it ended. Still, it would be a chance to do something different for a change. Not that travelling with only the company of your brothers and the people you trusted wasn’t fun. However, it did eventually… well, the nerves that got frayed snapped every once in a while. It was none of their faults.

In Loki’s opinion human beings, though social animals, were only social on their own terms. Everyone had different terms. And they were impossible to compromise on. So both parties came out of it badly. And the more humans were forced into socializing when it wasn’t on their terms, the worse it got, until finally you got someone like… well, like Loki for one. Though he’d never admit he had problems.

But the festival, it was something they looked forward to with the eagerness of children looking forward to Christmas morning. Sure they were all showmen. After all, wasn’t that what it took to be so successful? Of course it was. Naturally Mikey was shy, he used to get stage fright. He imagined that he’d only be laughed at. ‘What does a band even need a drummer for? Doesn’t everyone know how to count? Everyone knows the drummer’s always just a retard anyway.’ Loki felt the same way, though he never imagined anyone would taunt him. No, he had too much confidence for that. Not as much at the rest of them, but enough to get onstage and play, no matter what he thought the crowd would say.

And they loved Inspiration, didn’t they? Only once did anyone say a word against them. The group had a natural talent. That’s what the record company said. Nik said they didn’t have any more talent than any other garage band out there; they just had the money to get noticed. It was true, wasn’t it? But it also didn’t matter after they got signed.

And now… on the way to a festival that Loki had only dreamed of getting a chance to play. It was something everyone wanted to play. The smallest, poorest outfit with the worst, second hand instruments and equipment would give whatever was most important to them for a chance at it. This… it made them all hold their hostility still. It wasn’t a matter of hurting each other. It was a matter of upsetting the fans. People who might not have shown up would come because Irksome Inspiration was going to take the stage.

Memories were worthless and pointless wastes of time. When had he gotten so far away from his car anyway? Probably thinking about the same things he was now. Lollapalooza had been great though, there was no denying that. That was when he and D had finally come to a proper understanding, wasn’t it? When they had truly become friends, instead of just being his ‘brother from another mother’, as D liked to put it whenever he was asked. They weren’t just a band. They were family.

Bright, hot, muggy, and stinking. That was how it was when he had gotten off the bus. But there were over a thousand people. Probably over three thousand. So really, what else could he expect? Not only was it the beginning of a hot summer day, but there were thousands of people all pressed together. Of course they stank. Of course it made it even hotter. If he really needed it, there was both the bus he had just gotten off of and an air conditioned tent. All Loki needed was sunglasses and water. He wanted to smash shit and maybe get hammered with some of the other bands. Artists? What the hell did you call rappers and little one man shows now anyway? Not like it mattered, all in all, it was a fun crowd to hang around, no matter what the music was. 

Some tension and nervous energy pervaded the group, he could almost smell it. It was easy enough to feel, though he let it slip away through the cracks. Smashing shit could wait until after they had all settled down. While the twins slipped off with D, Loki got back on the bus. Nik followed.

The front man following the bassist; he had always found that to be the most unsettling part of the memory. But it was absolutely correct. Everyone always thought that the front man was in charge. He talked the most, he got the most publicity, unless one of the other members was screwing up big time. For the second time, he tried to ignore this worthless reminiscing. Not that it ever worked.

Nik was never the dominant type though. He had never once done anything without asking the rest of the guys. Loki respected him for it. What Loki loved about Nik though was his submissive, almost timid nature. The day that Nik had given it all up and left them with Gabriel was one of the few days in his life he could remember actually feeling something. It was something akin to depression. For months he had attributed it to pulling the feelings of sorrow from his mates’ minds. But eventually he knew that couldn’t have been true. But in the moment they stepped inside the bus, one after the other, the loss of someone Loki considered a real friend was still a year ahead of them. Maybe the other guys could work out the nervous tension by having a few drinks or finding a group to get high with, but this was what Nik needed to work it out.

Besides what he felt from the other four, Loki wasn’t at all nervous. It wasn’t something he was capable of. Just as he would have sworn on that day that he was incapable of truly loving someone or feeling actual sadness when they were lost. Nik knew it, he was certain of that. Their romps were nothing more than a release of anxiety for the singer and a fun way to pass the time for the bassist. Sometimes he thought it was too simple. But what did that really matter? The older man’s easy acceptance and innocent submissiveness were like a drug to him. Almost as good as one too. Because all Loki wanted was someone to dominate.

And there was an easy target, more often than not only a few feet away. Someone who wanted to be dominated just as much as he wanted to dominate them.

If someone were to ask, that was why he was upset when Nik left, leaving Gabe to fill his spot. It was the same submissive spirit, wrapped in something like sandpaper and barbed wire. The angel was altogether much too grating to have a bit of fun with. And Loki had always had a feeling that he’d never submit to someone that wasn’t near his physical strength anyway. There was no human in the world a match for the strength of an archangel. Hell, there weren’t many immortals that could match his strength.

That was the reason Gabe wasn’t here with him. He was running from the memory of the one immortal who had almost matched him. And cities were painful for him. They reminded him too much of the man who would have chosen death and an eternity in Hell over staying with him.

The car finally in sight, Loki again forcibly and visibly wrestled the memory of that day to the background. He couldn’t be thinking of something so trivial while he was driving. It had a way of distracting him and taking over everything else. Sniffling loudly with the cold, he shoved his hands into his pockets and tucked his chin against his chest, knowing the scene would continue to play in his mind, one broken thought after another, until it was over.

The heat didn’t bother him as much as it could have. There was too much to do and see. Even for someone that was used to everything seeming to happen around them, he was still the same easily excitable teenager he had been before they got big.


In the past, Loki had shied away from tattoos. He was never exactly sure why, but this time he figured, ‘why not?’ It was the wolf Fenrir he had inked onto his back, something he thought was fitting. Not only did everyone know him as Loki, never even thinking that there was a name he had once gone by other than that, but he suspected that if Inspiration ever cracked apart beyond repair, it would be his fault. Their own little Ragnarök.

That thought was far from his mind during the time he sat under the needle, people coming to ask questions or just to stare. By now he was used to it and calmly answered the questioned posed, getting the laughs he was used to.

Arriving a day before they were actually performing had been a good idea. Time for them to all get away and lose themselves in the music and the crowds. It was what they really needed. Even brothers couldn’t stand each other forever.

Standing before the polychromatic purple of his car, Loki only stared at the handle. He was here, why hadn’t he opened the door and driven away yet? The keys dangled from one hand and he decided, maybe what he wanted was to finish his walk, or whatever it was.

All he did was shrug. Everyone always liked you when they figured they could get something. And really, when he wasn’t in the mood to be an asshole, Loki thought he was a pretty nice guy. It wasn’t difficult to get him to do something for someone. Sure he expected gratitude far beyond what anyone else would, but that wasn’t all that strange, was it? Besides, people could spare a bit of thanks. They didn’t do it often, it wouldn’t kill them. And if it did? Oh well, the world was probably better off. One less human. Would anyone really notice? And if they did, would anyone care? Maybe family. Hell, even some of them were glad to get rid of a relative so they could rifle through his stuff.

Reminded again of how much he absolutely hated people, he had to laugh. It was an odd sound because it was genuine. Typically he laughed at himself sure, but not honestly. And he rarely got a chance to use the laugh that didn’t border on rude and callous sarcasm. Maybe he was laughing at being called dark and brooding too. Who knew? For all anyone knew, it could have been something only he could hear. There were reasons not many people tried to hold long conversations with Loki. His thoughts never went in the same direction as theirs. It irritated some people to no end. Which of course he only found amusing. Because if people had to be around, why not take some kind of amusement from them?

“Hn. Well, that was the point, right? An’ anyway, I know you’re lyin’ cuz it ain’t like anyone actually remembers my name, ya know? I like it that way too. So no need to lie, yeah?”

Loki really hadn’t wanted to be famous. All he wanted was to get away from the annoying high school kids and spend some time away from home. That was the same thing any other teenager wanted, wasn’t it? He didn’t really know. He was like them once, but still different. Probably. But that was how all kids thought, wasn’t it? Always wanted to think their problems were different. So…

A slight frown made its way across his face, one he managed to shoo away before he even fully understood what was going on again. Hey, he was getting good at that. And that was a good thing, wasn’t it? Without meaning, he raised his head and looked over. And again without meaning to, he was staring back at the wide, almost open seeming, brown eyes. Before he could stop it, that suspicious look was back. He didn’t trust people, no matter how good he was at acting like he was at ease.

“Hookup…?”

But he shook his head. He was still the new kid around here anyway.

“Nope. Ain’t ever been here, right? Connections ain’t hard though, ya know?”

Companionless. He knew the feeling. Maybe others were the solitary types, but he didn’t understand how. Then again, he hadn’t really ever understood much about the differences between him and them. Except that they all thought of him as some other human. It wasn’t like it was his fault he wouldn’t live forever and couldn’t bench press a semi. Living forever would only get boring anyway. And he thought of himself as the next step in evolution. It made him feel better about himself. Not that he really needed help to do that.

It was as if he really was as oblivious as he’d have people believe. Anything not stated didn’t exist. It was beyond his realm of understanding. Because if he let himself become too alert to other people’s emotions, he’d never keep the loose grasp on reality he had. At the very least he actually answered the question, implied or stated.

“I mean, chicks like to follow me, right? But they don’ do it for me. It’s like… hell, I dunno, yeah? Probably only wanna brag to the rest’a the whores about some shit.”

Considering, he finally took the offered cigarette. At the word menthol, he wrinkled his nose as if it were some unspeakable horror. If nothing else, he was a skilled actor. What did he really care? Nicotine was nicotine, it would probably never matter to him what form it came in. Digging into the pocket of the baggy pants that were clearly much too big, he came up with his own lighter and flicked it to life, inhaling the smoke in a long drag.

“Or they think Imma take ‘em to see Gabe, right? But… sure, some of ‘em gotta do it jus’ cuz ‘m hot, yeah?”

He still didn’t think he was so mysterious. But it was pointless to argue the fact. Even if he could have come up with plenty of reasons, he didn’t feel like it. That was like work. And he actually enjoyed being lazy. He had absolutely no wish to get up and do anything ever. Not like other people did. It worked out in his favor anyway, so there was no need to change.

“Ya know kid…”

He’d probably never get over that. Another bad habit to attribute to the fuckin’ winged wonder. At least he wasn’t quite as annoying as Gabriel though. Not yet anyway.

“Smurf… if I didn’t know better… I would think… you were actually tryin’ to come on to me, right?”

But he knew better. Really he did. Why? Because people weren’t subtle about these things anymore. Relationships? Who needed them? ‘Hello, how are you? Let’s go fuck.’ And he liked simple and straight forward. It was easy enough to figure out what someone wanted, even if they were being subtle. But it was also a part of that road to no return. Far easier to ignore it all and take everything at face value. Maybe that was what was wrong with him. There was just no room in the world for someone that wanted to think in black and white terms.